Packing the Handcart

This post is dedicated to the September 6, those intellectual pioneers that were made to leave their covered wagons in the middle of the trek.

Pioneers follow truth.


"I felt earnestly that this was what God had prepared me to do, to present these problem areas in a context that allowed for faith and still acknowledged what the anti-Mormons or the critics would bring up, but to say: "Yeah? So what? These are human beings." God works with fallible human beings, whether they're your parents or your prophets. This is a way of understanding it and maintaining faith."  --D Michael Quinn

"Elder Packer said, 'I have a hard time with historians, because historians idolize the truth."   --D Michael Quinn

How am I to proceed?

 Soren highadventure Colorado 2012

 Cyler and Soren highadventure Colorado 2012

Ellery Saratoga Springs NY

 Times Square NY NY

 Buddha face Heather

 Broadway Book of Mormon production

 Subway NY NY

 Boston after the Freedom Trail

Where the revolutionary war turned from embryo to fetus



What do I do now?

I consider the year 2000 to be the time when I became intellectually independent.  I have gladly ridden the mental/spiritual rollercoasters I either built for myself or those that others invited me to join with them on.  I enjoy debate, observation, experimentation, thinking, reading, making up new questions, turning the answers upside down to see if they still ring with truth.  I can see where capitalism is great and where it fails.  I can see where communism is great and where it fails.  I see how great that we are not all Democrats, I see how great that we are not all Republicans.  I could argue benefits of all sorts of family structures.  I can argue for or against many types of segregation, revolution, cultural movement, governmental policy. 

 I love that:
The legalist finds equality and happiness in the rule of law
The fundmentalist stays on the literal, unmovable, unchangable rock
The conservative orthodox has the confidence that they are right and their way makes things better
The liberal progressive is comfortable and excited with change to make things better
The agnostic is honest in saying "I don't really know"
The non-theist takes full responsibility for action and knows (s)he has one chance to make it count.
The anarchist finds equality and happiness in acting without being compelled


Which one am I?  How am I to proceed if I have internalized them all?  Why do I use labels when I hate them?  Where is God?

July 2012 I am tired of the heart/mind rollercoaster and want to get off.  How do I proceed with no questions, no quest, no opening myself to another's view, no establishing a view only to dash it against the wall tomorrow, no wondering whether or not a certain outlook is 'true."  No trying on different definitions of what truth is.  No wondering, for example, if JSmith read Emmanuel Swedenborg and if he did, why wasn't I taught that the idea of a tripartite heaven originated in his visions that commenced April 6 1744.  Just tell me the whole truth--I can handle it.  I have wanted to know, to believe.  I have lots of faith.  I have lost of faith.  I don't want to have faith in things that won't benefit my kids when they walk out of my house as adults in a few years. I love god and my fellow men.  Do I show it enough?  Jesus's teachings--is that enough?  I have no idea why scapegoatism has to be an eternal principle where living things have inside them the ability to self-heal.  Can I say that out loud?  Why can't I be like so-and-so and not ask or care about this stuff.  For the past 12 years I have woken up to the many of the same questions that I lay down at night only to pick them up again the next morning. And while I have tried to raise my kids, stuff seeps in.  My dad  breaks my heart with an honest response.  Confidants judge-(why don't you do it my way, Heather).  I lose balance. I make mistakes.  My kids say things reflecting attitudes that curl my toenails.  Stuff I struggle against but maybe I'm doing so in vain?  Give my liberty away for something I can't tell anymore is valuable enough to merit the sacrifice.  God, I'm tired.  Am I allowed to say that?  This would be one crazy testimony at the pulpit.

Faith journeys have to include crisis.  Maybe all learning does.  I have tried to do mine in public thinking it helps.  Have I learned?  From what my family members have said, I feel like I'm running out of time.  I can't control what they believe.  How do I proceed from here?  I am retreating from learning--ideas, questions, critical analysis, others' opinions of truth or of how they think we should proceed and especially me telling others my opinions and how I think they should proceed.  For a few weeks my family is going to live with 2 ideas.  We love.  We want quiet.  I am now ready to proceed.  I retreat.

Easter Estrus Estrogen Eostre Ostara Aurora Asteroid

This breakfast brought to you by the "goddess of the dawn." The ancient Anglo-Saxons thought new life came from a female until Christians came and taught them to believe it comes from a certain male from Galilee. In my mind, they're both right.

Original Latin: (Bede 8th C)
Eostur-monath, qui nunc Paschalis mensis interpretatur, quondam a Dea illorum quæ Eostre vocabatur, et cui in illo festa celebrabant nomen habuit: a cujus nomine nunc Paschale tempus cognominant, consueto antiquæ observationis vocabulo gaudia novæ solemnitatis vocantes.[4]
Modern English translation:
Eosturmonath has a name which is now translated "Paschal month", and which was once called after a goddess of theirs named Eostre, in whose honour feasts were celebrated in that month. Now they designate that Paschal season by her name, calling the joys of the new rite by the time-honoured name of the old observance."[5]

Do You Believe?

A few houses down, a nice older couple has recently returned from Bolivia on a mission for their church. Their grandkids are living with them while their house is being remodeled. They are homeschooled and I can tell their mom is a very devoted conservative Christian. The sweet girls came to play this weekend. While they played American girl dolls, I began to set up the Christmas tree for Ellery's room. We all chatted. Amara asked Ellery, "Do you believe in Santa Claus?"

"Yes, I do. It grows out of adults though."

Then Amara turns to me. "Do you believe in Santa Claus?"

By now I could tell she didn't. She's nine. Should I say that I don't (knowing that I am Santa) and ruin one of the few opportunities my child has for communal fantasy?

I said, "I do."

"We don't believe in Santa. We believe in God. He was born on December 25th."

"Oh, ok." I said "We believe in God too."

Ellery said, "No, God was born on April 6th."

They both looked at eachother like they were crazy. Ellery believes in Santa and that God was born on April 6th. Amara doesn't believe in Santa and that God was born December 25th. How sad that belief systems can run the risk of ruining friendships.

Binary thinking is the pits in my opinion so I don't think Ellery has to disbelieve in Santa to believe in God. Secondly, I may know that a fat, red-suited man doesn't shimmy down my chimney. But I do believe in the story of St. Nicholas who helped people by giving financial gifts anonymously. I also don't care even a tiny bit when Jesus was born. I just celebrate that he was. I also am happy that Siddhartha Gautama, Gandhi, St. Nicholas, Judith Plaskow, Confucius, Jane Addams, and Paulo Coehlo were born. They have made this world a bit easier for me to live in. Hopefully as these girls come slowly to the truth of things, they can remain friends--because they are both so terribly wrong-and right.

The Sparrow Falls

And this book has laid me out. It is adult theology with all the attendant irony and uncertainty we have to acknowledge in our present state of self-awareness. This is not a book for one who thinks God is hearts and flowers. But it is for the one who can understand how a Jew, after the Holocaust, after dignity has been stolen, after losing everyone dear, can still believe in a God albeit a God that doesn't follow the rules He sets for others. There is confession and hope of redemption at the end of this book which made it all the more heart-wrenching--and there is a sequel. I will have to put some space between me and this book for a while before I start Children of God.

This book tackles sociology, evolution, first contact between people of 'difference', intention, faith and family. But it ripped me apart--and I'm so glad I read it. I have a friend who is mad at God right now. Either that or he laughs at the farce of his life because he thought God would keep bad things from happening if he would just do 'thus and so,' this or that ritual--he and Emilio have some feelings in common.

I love what Russell (converted to Judaism from Catholicism)herself says: "The beauty of religion is the way in which it enriches your understanding of what your senses tell you. . .There's a certain serenity that comes from knowing that the ethics you draw on have been tested and re-tested by one thousand generations in every possible cultural and ethical climate, and that they have been found reliable and useful by so many people for so long. . .
The risks have to do with believing that God micromanages the world, and with seeing what may be simply coincidence as significant and indicative of divine providence. It's very easy then to go out on a limb spiritually, expect more from God than you have a right to and set yourself up for bitter disappointement in his silence and lack of action."

Come to the River

Jordan that is. My religion like many others makes beautiful space for water in ritual. The concept of symbolic cleansing I have found in the Jewish Mikvah, Greco-Roman/Celtic religions, Muslim Wadu and Ghusl etc. Our friends' son got baptized and he seemed very excited to have this special day. Now he is a formally recognized member of the church and is on the road of Christian discipleship:) I wish women weren't excluded from participation in the administration of this wonderful ritual. "I have a dream" of a time when is it acknowledged across the board that codified gender segregation is not Biblical and not necessary for a healthy body of Christ (See Galatians 3:28). Till then I can be happy for those of all religions who use ritual to focus the mind and intention on life, love, and wise use of agency. It's an inspiration to me.