My harp is strung and I have resumed work on Debussy's "First Arabesque." The world is actually returning to its axis. When people experience a faith crisis, nothing feels safe. I was questioning everything-whether it was real, imagined, a product of my miseducation or personal flaws. I am again feeling like ground is solid beneath me flaws and all. So while Cyler was in CA working, I decided to take the kids to the beach like I try to do every year. This time, to prove I could, we camped. Sans the master camper of the family. Hubris you say? Soren, Ellery and I put up the tent, the canopy, blew up the mattress, got the dogs situated, built fires, loaded and unloaded the wood box, lit the lantern, made the fire, broke camp (that's when I REALLY missed Cyler) etc. The kids were brilliant helpers. It was a good confidence builder for me although it is much more fun (and less work) with Cyler there. We missed him.
But I got my ocean/sand/seaweed fix. I try to get one annually if possible. The noise, smell, feel, taste is healing to me. Padre Island was different-never been there before. We were able to drive on the sand to find a place just right. Then, I just laid on the shore bellydown, digging my hands in the mud. The little tiny shells would move to bury themselves back in the sand. They were so tiny-and alive and marvelous. I thought about Abraham and having children that numbered like the sands on the seashore. I love my 3 specks of sand.
Camp was hot. At one point I laid outside on a sleeping bag and consciously let myself melt. Sauna-like. No mosquitoes--we had ants and flies instead. Cyler sent us with a portable A/C which saved our bacon in the tent at night.
I would swim out in the lake and turn around to find Bodhi swimming diligently to catch up. When he would finally get to me, I would dip the boogie board under him so he could climb on. We would float in the middle of the lake like that with him standing proud on the boogieboard. I know if he could talk, he would say "I'm the King of the World!"
We carved soap, swam in the lake, chopped up dead fish (Soren), told scary stories, roasted marshmallows. Ellery played with our neighbors. Three girls with their grandparents in their travel trailer. I think they felt sorry for us in their cushy digs. The adults were oldschool Texas and invited us in the trailer for tea--complained about how their liberal son didn't like it when they joked about "the Asians, or the Mexicans." It was entertaining to talk with them as I bit my tongue and poked Soren to do the same--the sweet tea was manna from heaven in the heat. The dogs were in heaven no matter where we were--under our feet at our side every moment day and night. They were thrilled to sleep in the tent with us.
I had planned to make lots of fun tinfoil meals in the fire. I had recipes called Hillbilly Trash Breakfast and Hobo Adobo. Don't those sound fun! But alas it was so hot--we ended up eating lots of fresh fruit/vegs, cheese/lunchmeat/tuna, crackers, yogurt, cereal, PBJ sandwiches. No-fire-required foods. I let the kids have candy and soda-they weren't sure where their mom went and who this alien substitute was that was letting them consume red Fanta and SourPatch kids.
Today in Homechurch, Cyler described a person who sounded freakish--it ended up being Einstein. Soren's talk compared jewish/muslim/christian concepts of hell. Ellery spoke about sharing and how gossiping was not a good way to share. I explored the concept of egalitarianism--used Numbers 11 and Matt 23/compared Camelot,strict hierarchy, hybrids like LDS church/asked "are men really created equal?"/looked at difference between forced economic equality vs Berkman's idea of equal opportunity which implies freedom, not the necessity of quantifiable economic equality.
I am enjoying our family retreat. Focusing inward is helping me to avoid being overly porous which is natural for me. My parents are worried, feel betrayed, scared my kids will devolve into homeless heroin junkies forever bereft of celestial glory (ok I exaggerate) if I don't take them to a brick/mortar church, want me to change and just do it their way. It bothers me that our searching hurts them but I need to find my own way to do religion that is healthy for our family. I am not a rank 'n file, pray/pay/obey mormon. I don't know how my religious life will look yet. But going back to status quo ante is not an option. We need to get our private religion aligned with God before we can find a fit in public religion. Internet sources are helping me, not to make a decision since I'm on retreat from making a final decision about religion, but to know I'm not alone in this. My specifically mormon list of helpful sites/people:
Claudia Bushman
Exponent2
Jana Reiss
Lisa Butterworth
Zelophehad's Daughters (blog)
MormonStories and John Dehlin (podcasts), John you are a Godsend.
Lowell Bennion
Eugene England
J Bonner Ritchie
Mostly though, I am still commited to only 2 thoughts. Love God and Be Quiet. For 2 more precious weeks I get to be off the ritualistic/legalistic hamster wheel and function solely on Love God and Be Quiet. It feels luxurious.
No comments:
Post a Comment